Not A Baby Anymore

What a ham!

As soon as I started clicking away, taking pics, this kid instantly turned toward the camera and turned on the charm.

7 months has been a whole new experience.  He started crawling and his individuality as a person started showing as well.

Its exciting and it’s also the first time I’ve felt sad about his development.

Jon and I spent about 20 hours in the car together over the coarse of the weekend.  We drove to Northern California for a wedding.  So along the way we had a conversation about Cameron that resulted in my first letting go moment as a mother.

The night before, Cameron wouldn’t go to sleep.  Jon was still at the wedding reception, but I had left early to try and get Cameron to bed at a decent hour.  The Pack ‘N Play was just around the corner from my bed in the hotel room which made his crying feel especially sharp and unbearable.  So I got him out of bed and let him crawl around for a while.  I gave him what he wanted in hopes that when I put him back to bed he’d give me what I wanted: peace and quiet and a moment to relax.  Didn’t happen.

A few hours later when Jon got back to the room, Cam was still up and I was frazzled and on edge and mad that I hadn’t gotten to eat any wedding cake.

Cameron eventually went to sleep, but the next morning as we were driving and talking, all the crazy feelings I’d been feeling started to make sense.

I admitted to Jon that the night before was the first time I’ve genuinely been frustrated with Cameron – the first time I wanted to yell at him to be quiet and tell him to stop being selfish and just listen to me.  And I felt really bad about that.

But I realized that a huge part of my frustration came from the from the fact that I had been clinging so tightly to ‘baby Cameron.’

Somehow, practically overnight, my sweet, quiet, agreeable, mellow baby, had turned into a mobile, determined, talkative, rambunctious, messy boy.  And I didn’t like it.   I just wanted to quietly hold him at times and whenever I’d try, he’d arch his back and let out a yell that told me to let him go.

So on the morning drive as Cameron slept, Jon and I talked about all this.  Well, actually, I talked and had a good cry about it and Jon listened and offered some supportive words.

It was the first time I had to let go as a mother.

It felt good to release it all and to ask the Lord to help me to love and embrace this new stage just as much as I did the last one.

Then Jon made a comment about what it’ll be like when Cameron leaves for college and I told him not to mention that to me again for a really, really long time.

Maybe this whole letting go thing is why people get cuddly dogs.  It kinda makes me want to have a nice little fluffy dog who won’t change or develop and who will always want to snuggle with me on the couch and can be easily bribed by treats.

But I am blessed and I know it.  Cameron is a lively, growing boy and this next stage of discovery, followed by the stage of teaching him right from wrong will be an adventure full of great memories as well.  I’m excited to see his personality come out even more and be there as he continues to tinker with buttons, strings, buckles and straps – all the things that boys find cool and interesting.

It’s just so true what people say: They grow up so fast!


5 thoughts on “Not A Baby Anymore

  1. This is the way of motherhood…and why we can all be caught with that “far off look” in our eyes at times. It never stops being sad, but is tempered when you commit yourself to raising him to be a “man” – with all the connotations of what that means to you. A man who is: godly, honest, hard working, loving, respectful to women, __________…(fill in the blanks). It not only gives you a goal, but a vision…with so many milestones to commemorate and celebrate.

    Discovering – and helping him discover – the man that God created him to be is the joy that tempers the sorrow. There will likely be hiccups of folly along his path, but persevering through this with grace, wisdom, and prayer is also how God will continually shape you and Jon into the man and woman that He wants you to be. He is a good Father.

    Wishing you love, grace and heavenly comfort in all your letting go,

    • Thank you Bernadette. You always have such great advice. I will probably re-read this comment from time to time. If you don’t already, you should totally mentor young women at your church. If i lived closer to you, you could mentor me! 🙂

      • You’re so sweet! I love mentoring young women…and I do, though informally at the moment. I treasure your friendship, Erin. It blesses me to see all that the Lord has done and is doing in your life. Call me, write me, text me…anytime!

  2. Pingback: Date With Mr. Grump | World At The Wayside

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