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How do I begin again?

The last month was grueling.

The thought of starting over; another first trimester – it’s daunting.  Terrifying.

Lord, HOW?!?

My heart feels young and vulnerable.  Is anyone ever really mature enough to deal with death?

I feel like I need a hug.

The Spirit of the Lord hovers over me and within me.  He keeps pulling my eyes upward; towards my Savior on the cross who bore all my pain.

I want to be pregnant again soon, but my heart can’t bear the trying.

I can’t handle the ovulation tests and the tracking of my cycle.  I can’t do that again.  My heart might implode.  I might break.

The maid passed over our room because Cameron was napping.  So the dirty towels are still on the tile bathroom floor, pushed into the corner so I can’t see the red stains.  The plastic trash bag that holds the remains of baby is still tied up, waiting to be discarded of.  I feel I might be sick every time I step into the bathroom.

I’m grateful this happened in a hotel room and not in my own home.  Tomorrow we will leave this room and I won’t have to come back.  But the images of the tub and the blood keep vividly jumping into my mind while I’m trying to read a storybook to my son.  How does one move on?  How do you remember, but not feel the twist of the knife in your stomach every time a thought passes through?  I don’t know.  I’ve never done this before.

For never even meeting this person, they sure have wrecked me.  The peace that flowed the first night has been replaced with an uncontrollable supply of tears that keeps building up behind my eyes.  It burns, and my eyes are raw from cheap hotel tissues.

The Lord makes everything beautiful in it’s time (site Ecclesiastes), but right now, tis a time to mourn.

5 thoughts on “Mourning

  1. Oh Erin (((HUG))) You mourn, you cry till you feel sick, and you think you can never go through it again. But over time God heals your heart and restores your desire to feel an infant in your arms and you decide to risk everything and try again. Somehow life eventually begins to move on and every little thing doesn’t cause your heart to ache. There are those moments though- the anniversary of your loss or the passing of your due date without that little one in your arms, and the birthday they would have had that passes every year. Those things will still hurt but eventually each day gets better. Praying that God holds you in His arms as you grieve and He heals your heart over time!

  2. Erin, time will heal your heart. I’ve been there, twice, and just when you think going on is the hardest thing you can do, you will do it. You will move past for Cameron and for the next baby you hold in your arms. Once your heart begins to heal you will find the right time to try and it will be right. And I agree that talking, writing about it will help. I blogged with my second ectopic and it was comforting to know I could get it all off my chest. Sometimes it’s easier than saying the words out loud. If you ever need help with Cameron or want to meet at the park or beach Mila and I would love to.

  3. It is perfectly normal to mourn. The loss of a baby no matter how small is something that will forever change your life. After two miscarriages I was “done” I told my Husband I refused to be pregnant again. That obviously wasn’t the plan God had for me because one month later I was pregnant with Konner. I was sick, tired and chasing around a 2 year old. I couldn’t have been more thankful for every symptom I had that led to a healthy baby boy. I prayed, I cried, I refused to believe it would stick this time. I found a doctor who not only listened but would take extra blood tests to reassure me that he was doing what he was supposed to in there. The first time I heard Konner’s heartbeat I sobbed. I sobbed tears of joy and pure fear, I couldn’t lose him. God knew that I needed to be healed and he healed me. Konner is the most amazing gift. The best advice that was ever given to me during this time was to “Let go and let God”. I stopped tracking, I stopped trying. I knew that if it was God’s will it would happen. My little miracle baby is turning 1 next month. We are now talking about #3 and going with the same approach that led to Konner. Hang in there Erin. Mourn when you feel the need, it subsides over time but I still think about those babies and who they may have been. Heaven holds two special angels for me. I recommend the book “Heaven is for Real” if you haven’t read it. There is a part in that book that led to my peace I believe. You are stronger than you know.

  4. Pingback: Have You Been Scared This Pregnancy? | World At The Wayside

  5. Pingback: My Experience With Miscarriage | World At The Wayside

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