How do I begin again?
The last month was grueling.
The thought of starting over; another first trimester – it’s daunting. Terrifying.
My heart feels young and vulnerable. Is anyone ever really mature enough to deal with death?
I feel like I need a hug.
The Spirit of the Lord hovers over me and within me. He keeps pulling my eyes upward; towards my Savior on the cross who bore all my pain.
I want to be pregnant again soon, but my heart can’t bear the trying.
I can’t handle the ovulation tests and the tracking of my cycle. I can’t do that again. My heart might implode. I might break.
The maid passed over our room because Cameron was napping. So the dirty towels are still on the tile bathroom floor, pushed into the corner so I can’t see the red stains. The plastic trash bag that holds the remains of baby is still tied up, waiting to be discarded of. I feel I might be sick every time I step into the bathroom.
I’m grateful this happened in a hotel room and not in my own home. Tomorrow we will leave this room and I won’t have to come back. But the images of the tub and the blood keep vividly jumping into my mind while I’m trying to read a storybook to my son. How does one move on? How do you remember, but not feel the twist of the knife in your stomach every time a thought passes through? I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.
For never even meeting this person, they sure have wrecked me. The peace that flowed the first night has been replaced with an uncontrollable supply of tears that keeps building up behind my eyes. It burns, and my eyes are raw from cheap hotel tissues.
The Lord makes everything beautiful in it’s time (site Ecclesiastes), but right now, tis a time to mourn.