I showed Cameron the little stuffed monkey I received in the mail yesterday. I said, “Cameron, this is a monkey. Her name is Baby Sister. What do you think about that?” He looked up at me, looked back at the monkey, got a big smile on his face and said, “Ewwwwww!” Then he grabbed the monkey out of my hands and threw it off the bed and onto the floor.
I love him.
It made me laugh, picturing him meeting a real baby sister in the hospital and responding with, “Ewwww!”
I’m grateful that somehow my twenty-month-old son is able to infuse this situation with some humor. He doesn’t know what’s happened. He just knows that our normal routine has been replaced by him getting to spend many mornings at a some friend’s houses, which he loves.
Right now, Cameron brings me hope. He truly is the perfect addition to our family. He came at a time that was unexpected, yet perfect. My heart aches because I want so badly for him to have a sibling to play with. Even if I got pregnant tomorrow, it would be a year and a half until his sibling would be mobile and any fun to him. These are the things that are hard to think on.
But through all of this, my trust in the Lord has only deepened. I’m quite a long way off from being a modern day Job, but the day after the miscarriage I remember thinking of Job and then saying to myself, “It’s gonna take a whole hell of a lot more than this to make me turn on my God.”
It seems that everyone goes through tragedy. Some go through it with shallow sentiments of, “Everything will be okay,” and “Time heals all wounds,” and others, like myself, get to go through it will the unchanging, everlasting Word of God and the fierce love and comfort of the Holy Spirit. Truly, I am not a victim, I am blessed.
Grieving is such a strange process. It seems that each day I am unaware of what lies ahead. Sometimes I feel normal and happy. Other times, for no apparent reason I feel drained and immobile. I’m just trying to take it all as it comes.
The Bible says that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love him. I believe this with all my heart and I feel it in my bones that this situation is an opportunity to see God live up to this in a big way.
And again, I’m grateful for Cameron who gets funnier and weirder and more Kidwell-ish each day.