This is the size of my baby now and the one that I lost back in September. I saw this picture on my Facebook news feed last week and I saved it to my phone because I couldn’t stop looking at it.
I kind of expected that I’d have a lot to share about reaching this point, but I’m also happy to say that I do not. This pregnancy has not been full of worry or fear. The worst part has just been the day-to-day battle with my low energy level and the nausea.
We’ve had one ultrasound, which was wonderful and highly disappointing, thanks to a terribly negative and doomsday doctor who tried to pressure us into genetic testing by sharing lots of statistics and horror stories. Not a “Congratulations, everything is looking good” appointment, but more of a “There are so many things that could go wrong.” Needless to say, I changed doctors.
I can’t attribute my calmness about this pregnancy to any current spiritual feats. In fact, I’ve found it so difficult to spend focused time with the Lord during this pregnancy so far because of how I’ve been feeling. However, I think the work for this was done in those difficult days following the miscarriage where I realized that the Lord was with me through it all and if it should ever happen again, he would surely be with me then too. I made a decision back when I found out I was pregnant that I was not going to think about the same thing happening. Also, having a busy, full-of-life toddler probably helps keep my mind off of tracking the days too.
I made my pregnancy public the day after I found out, just as I had done with my previous two pregnancies. This was purposeful. Partially because I just naturally wanted to share my excitement and happy news, but it was also a decision to celebrate this pregnancy the same as I had the others before any loss had occurred. In a way, it was my statement to God saying: “I’m not going to fear. I’m going to celebrate this life whether it last two weeks or seventy-two years because at this moment I am pregnant.” For me this was a good decision and one I have not regretted.
I plan on meeting this baby in September, probably very close to one year from when I miscarried. The thought of this is very Ecclesiastes-ish. Something about everything being made beautiful in it’s time. Here’s a great quote I saw the other day that seems appropriate for this,