Today after church, we drove out to my friend Hannah’s family ranch. We ate lunch at the picnic table beside the pond and we talked with her dad, who always has a few new projects underway at the ranch. The family ranch is used for retreats for troubled teens among other purposes. The kids come to learn how to grow, prepare and cook food, shoot BB guns, practice archery and fish. It’s a beautiful landscape full of tall trees, including her grandfather’s Redwood grove, an apple and pear orchard and lots of crispy fall leaves that crinkle under your feet as you walk.
A few weeks ago when we lost the baby, Hannah’s parents offered to let us come out to the ranch and plant a Redwood tree in remembrance of our daughter. It seemed like the perfect thing to do.
Since society doesn’t really have a traditional way to honor the life of an unborn baby, we weren’t exactly sure how to go about it. We knew we wanted to do something special, but couldn’t necessarily decide on what that something should be. So when Hannah told us about her parent’s offer, we thought it sounded beautiful and gratefully accepted.
Her dad chose a spot among other Redwoods, right next to the pond and our friend Kyle hand-crafted a name plate.
Everything about the day was lovely and my heart felt full as we drove home.
It’s special to know people who aren’t afraid to come into your grief. People who stand beside you in your healing and who join in on the joy when it’s time to celebrate.
I miss my baby girl. I really do. Even though I never got to meet her, I feel like I knew her. Whenever I see a pregnant woman in the grocery store or a baby girl being pushed down the street in a stroller or even on TV, my heart does this little twisting thing where for a split second I feel a longing so deep that it goes through the floorboards.
I hope someday to have a baby girl of my own. Following the miscarriage I told God, partially kidding and partially not, that if I end up with three boys now that I am going to be really pissed. Like not pissed forever, just pissed for a little while.
Until Jesus comes back I will just have to dream about how beautiful you are sweet Ava Annalise. xoxoxo, Mom